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On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Instant Acceleration |
Insufficient Deceleration |
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Short Final...
More from our "open-door policy" file...
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower (during the takeoff roll): "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
Nick.
Oh-oh. No oil pressure in the starboard engine.
- Adelaide Control, this is private flight Oscar Bravo 486 to Mildura, are you receiving?
- Thank you for calling Air Services Australia. All our operators are busy and your call has been placed in a queue.
- Come on, hurry up! I don't fancy coming down through this cloud over the Adelaide Hills.
- We are sorry for the delay. Your call is important to us and will be answered by the first available operator.
- I'll have to shut down that engine. Pity the other one sounds a bit rough as well. Mayday Mayday.
Oscar Bravo 486 requesting emergency clearance to land.
- Air Services Australia, this is Bruce. What is your situation?
- This is Oscar Bravo 486. I have lost one engine and am requesting emergency clearance to land.
- Which city please?
- Adelaide. Adelaide, hurry up."
- That is Adelaide, South Australia? One moment please.....
Yes, thank you. I have Adelaide on my screen now. Adelaide ground station data indicate intermittent rain, ceiling 400 feet.
- I know that, I have zero visibility up here.
- That's a pity. It's a beautiful day here in Wagga.
- Bugga Wagga. I estimate my approximate position 15 miles east north east of Adelaide. Height 600 feet, air speed 120.
- Oscar Bravo 486 I have you on my screen now. You are cleared to land on runway 2A.
- Can you guide me in, please Wagga, I can't see a thing and I don't want to hit Mt Lofty.
- Oscar Bravo, this is Wagga. Do you have an Air Services Indemnity policy?
- A WHAT?
- If you want us to talk you down you have to have to have an insurance policy guaranteeing that if you crash your relatives won't sue us for damages,
- If you don't and I crash I hope they sue you for everything you've got.
- OK, stay calm. Try not to lose any more height.
- I just want you to steer me around Mt Lofty and a couple of those other hills.
- I've never heard of Mount Lofty. Is it very big?
- Big enough. You can see it from the airport.
- No I can't, I'm in Wagga. But my computer calculates that on your current bearing you will be over Adelaide airport in approximately four minutes. You should be beginning your descent now.
- What about Mt Lofty?
- The computer has no record of a terrain indemnity policy for your aircraft ...
- Look, if I hit something I will personally come back and haunt you and I can be one mean bastard.
- Oscar Bravo, please remain calm. The guy who is trained to use the terrain simulator is at lunch but we have sent someone down to the
canteen to get him up here. In the meantime can you - Oscar Bravo, are you receiving?
Air Services calling Oscar Bravo.
Oscar Bravo, you have disappeared from my screen, are you receiving me?
Damn, I think we just lost another client.
Thanks anon
Question:
What is the first and the last sentence of an Airbus-Pilot?Answer:
First sentence: "What is he doing now?"
Last sentence: "He never did this before!"
Thanks Joe GuentherQuestion:
What is a crew of a future Airbus?Answer:
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is responsible for waking and feeding the dog.
The dog has to watch to ensure that the pilot that he doesn't touch anything in the cockpit.
Rules For FlightThanks Peter Matzick
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
- Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
- If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
- Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
- It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
- The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
- The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
- When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
- A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
- You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
- The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
- Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
- Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
- Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
- There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
- You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
- Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
- If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
- In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
- Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
- It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
- Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. (Isn't that why they came up with checklists? :)
- Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
- The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
- There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.Thanks Nick & DiIn preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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