IRISH JOKES
Tim Shandy
stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike
Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three
whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are."
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Michael, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Michael, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
There
were two Irishmen working for the city.
One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig,
dig,
The other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill.
These two
men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to
the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing?
You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
An Irishman named Murphy
went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer and it can't
be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character,
managed
to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waitingroom.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a
short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There
was some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told
them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
A
drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the
bathroom.
A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the
bar.
The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're
scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I
flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
With that,
the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..... "You idiot"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Setting:
Modern Day Ireland:
An extremely successful businessman based in Dublin is forced to go to Portugal
on urgent business. This man, we'll call him John, is extremely wealthy and
cares for nothing, except one thing.... There's a cat that he inherited from his
late mother. This cat, to him is worth his entire fortune. The day he left, he
entrusted the cat to his brother Michael's care. Now, he was well aware that
Michael was a little slow but hey, it was a cat and the thing practically minded
itself. He left for Lisbon and telephoned his brother the second he reached the
Hotel:
(ring ring)
MIKE: Hello.
JOHN: Mike, it's John. I'm just giving you a buzz to say I've arrived and to see
if Musty's giving you any problems.
MIKE: Oh John, yeah, um, spot of bad news actually...... The cat's dead, poison
or something. So, how was your flight?
JOHN: (silence)
MIKE: John, are you there?
JOHN: (crying)
Jesus: Mike! Did you have to break it to me like that!?
MIKE: What other way could I tell you the cat was dead?
JOHN: (getting over the shock but still broken)
Well, let's say the first time I rang you could've said the cat was on the roof
and you couldn't get him down.
The next time I rang you could've said that the fire brigade had come to get the
cat down but it had fallen and was badly injured when it hit the ground.
And the next time I phoned you could've said the vet tried everything to save
the cat but it was all to no avail and the cat passed on.
If you told it to me like that it would've been a lot easier to handle.
MIKE: I see.(understanding completely)
JOHN: Good, now how's everything else back home? How's dad?
MIKE: (a pause then)
Well, he's up on the roof and.....
Murphy
gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He
rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Paddy's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
Murphy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe
floor.
"You jerk," yells Murphy, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Amish
and Paddy were locked out of their car and were trying to open the door.
Amish: "I can't get it open!"
Paddy: "Well, hurry, because the top's down and it looks like it's going to
rain!"
